Happy Birthday Son

My baby is 18 today. He is our joy, my world, my baby. He makes me laugh out loud almost everyday and he is so fun to be around. Loving, compassionate and very talented.

It is for him and my oldest son that I embarked on this journey. Don't get me wrong it primarily is for me, but they are a nice kicker too.

So I am on day 3 of The Zone. I have always been told before, on other weight loss diets, that I don't or didn't eat enough. I guess I knew this but always thought less is more - you know eating less causes more weight loss. But really, at my age, that isn't the case.

Day one was a breeze, except I need to get on a schedule. Being it was my furlough day, I slept in - till 9:30 and didn't eat until 11:00 or so. But it really made me focus and sit and read thru the Zone plans again.

I am starting using the 7-day meal plan. Figured it would be easier than having to figure out 'blocks' 'carbos' etc. The shopping was fun and then I warned the household to stay out of my food. They had enough junk around to eat!

So, as I said day one was a breeze. I ate exactly what was on plan, I never felt hungry, in fact I thought - this is way too much food. I ate more vegetables than I ever had in one day and fruit too. But it was filling, gratifying and I was satisfied - that to me is success!

Day two was a little challenging, but I managed thru it. My son and I ate in the park. I packed my luch - including 1/2 a cantaloupe and blueberries----it was HUGE! The son wanted Costco pizza. The first whiff on the pizza was challenging, but I managed thru it. (I secretly beat my son and the pizza in my head!) AGAIN, so much freakin food! I think I stayed up too late though because I had 3 cookies which really bummed me out. My I know why I did it and I know what my stress points are - always have, but now I am reflecting on it more. The moral of not eating cookies is don't let little things piss you off - especially at 11:00 at night!

Here I go embarking on day 3, its a birthday day, but thank God my son is not a dessert man. Funny and he works at a cakeshop! Go figure. This day will be no challenging than any other day. It is a lifestyle change and its day 3.

I do exercise - walk - daily, but not as much as I'd like to, but I get it in. And I am down 3.60 lbs.

The Zone

So, here goes. I tipped the scales at 265.3 pounds. I am 5'4" and would probably be considered morbidly obese. I fought cancer head on and won. Why can't I win the weight battle? But here it is. My life changing experience. Today I shopped for The Zone and will start my quest tommorrow. This along with keeping a daily blog and ready positive literature to give myself a much needed boost. I am tired of being angry, so I'm going to change that and live the life that my inner self wants to live - with grace and compassion - and with alot less weight.

So here I go, on my journey of self improvement. Tune in.

Living Life in Anger

I have lived my life in anger. And I hate it. They say that your behavior is learned at a young age and at this point in my life I have to agree. My mother was always angry, manipulative and just plain nasty - to me. I have many (over 10) brothers and sisters and I literally was singled out - honest. The taunting was horrible that it still scars me today.

I lost my business today, mainly because of the economy, but also due to the way I treated the staff. I was so emotional in alot of my decisions, which didn't help at all. My employees couldn't wait to vacate the area and none - not one - said good bye or thanks for the last seven years. Nada. That was a rude awakening. And sad.

But what do I do with the yet again 'rude awakening', have I learned my lesson? I fought cancer and won and during treatment I was the most positive person ever. What happened to that person? Where did she go?

Why can't I be that way today, tommorrow, the next day and the day after. Why is it that I let my emotions speak for me and learn to take a breath before diving into my anger.

Anger, it hasn't gotten me anywhere. Just not very well liked.

Love - is it really forever?

I used to wonder when people divorced or broke up after a long relationship, how is it that they had forgotten that they once loved each other, worshipped the ground the other person walked on, was so totally lost in their eyes, soul, body, mind and all encompassing passion? Can't they find their way back to how it used to be? And how sad that the relationship is breaking up, how sad for the history, how sad for them.

I've done it - twice - very long term - with the same person. How could I get to this again? I am broken and lost and so not sure of what the next step can be or will be. I feel unappreciated and unloved. Although I am told that of course I love you, of course I find you attractive and of course I find you sexy. But alas, actions do speak louder than words and troubles in the bedroom and abounding, one-sided.

I am at the end of my rope and am tired that I work like a dog and am not thought about, looked upon or even cared that I do. I feel like a money bank, I feel like my only purpose is to work 'all' the jobs that I have - and I can't count them on one hand. It has become noticeable to me that all that I am good at is working and bringing in the money.

How did I allow this to happen again?

My Soul and World

Both of my boys graduated this year. One from college and one from high school. How did that happen? It seems like yesterday they were just little guys running around the yard and hitting each other with a stick.

Today they both are so close, but have their own interest.

My youngest a total extrovert is so way out there that he makes us laugh - constantly. People are drawn to him, he has that special quality and aura about him that allows people to identify with him. He's a great musician, actor, has a passion that is undeniably his own. He is my world and my sunshine.

My oldest is the opposite - introvert - but not to the extreme. He has a kind heart and is a great leader. His goal is to build robots, the bigger the better, he has such a technical mind. He is my soul and my first born. We are alike in so many ways and at times I wonder how can I be more like him.

They are both good looking and well natured to boot that makes them easy targets for the young ladies. BUT, they both have their own personal beliefs and faith about that which is identical.

I will miss them so much as life journeys happen, but can only be grateful that I was given the opportunity to be their mom.

Just another day in paradise

So, I spent most of my time on the freeway, not getting to my destination, at all. I turned around twice and now in hindsight, I should have kept going the first time. So, for anyone reading this - just keep going, don't turn back.

I am not a bad person, but I am not nice either. I am too quick to judge, quick to speak and at times could really care less what anyone thinks. But because of this people think that I don't have any feelings, that I enjoy being the way that I am, etc, etc, blah, blah, blah.

No one and I mean NO ONE takes into consideration how I feel and that I work like a dog - to the point that people think I LIKE working - who the hell likes working!!!!!!

Things are falling apart and quite frankly I could care less. buhahaha to all of you that think I do. Oh and by the way, if you have anything to say, say it to my face~)

Life as it is today

I hate my life. Okay maybe hate is a strong word, but I just want the world - my world - to stop spinning. I voice it - all the time - but no one hears. They just think I am blowing steam. I wonder - and can't quite pinpoint - when I am become insignificant to not be heard. I am overwhelmed, I am tired of wasting - everything - money, emotions, words....

Do you think anyone is ever really heard?